my dad and i are watching infomercials for music compilations again. yes, AGAIN. i've been here a week. a whole week. today, i emailed a wwoof farm that's in this here hometown of mine. its a "fiber farm" which is to say- they raise sheep and goats and make yarn from their coats. they even have a fiber CSA. isn't that cool? hopefully they can use a volunteer. hopefully they're spinning and dyeing yarn and i can learn about those things. hopefully.
my dad and i started insulating the basement today. i think we'll finish tomorrow, and then i can set up a studio down there. i've been drawing a lot, and i'm getting kind of excited about painting. i haven't done it in years. after i dropped out of art school, and after all my old artwork was destroyed when we knocked down the house i grew up in, i've been totally estranged from that artist i was. i haven't felt the desire to make things so strongly since then, until now. i want to make music, i want to write songs. i want to paint portraits and surreal, colorful scenes. and i want to crochet and sew and make jewelry and adornments. i like the way this desire has been bubbling up. before now, i thought that uncontrollable urge might be a thing of the past.
maybe its like that for relationship passion as well. i've kissed people since i was a teenager, and felt no sparks since then. i was thinking i might not ever feel it again, that buzzing electric feeling of kissing a lover. that maybe i'm too old for that feeling and i might have to settle for boring kisses. but the way i feel now about being creative makes me think that i could be wrong. maybe life and i are both less predictable than we seem.
too much television and internet here at my parents house. or anywhere when i've got both these things and too much free time. i don't really want a job. but, to leave again, i'll need some money, or at least a good plan. so far it hasn't come to me.
a farm internship is what i feel like i should do. and want to do. it feels like picking a college though- the same things hold me back, the same things that hold most people back, i suppose. fears. i'm afraid of picking a bad one. i know this is possible. i'm afraid of committing, to anything, ever. there are too many paths i'm curious about! i'm afraid to pick one and stick to it. i'm so very much a jack of all trades, master of none.
but i would very much like to be an expert at something i'm passionate about. so, i suppose i should keep going down this road.
sometimes being with my parents makes me feel like such a little kid. i want someone, or the universe, to decide for me. to tell me what to do and show me how.
i'm so tempted to leave after the holidays and hitch-hike cross country. go sleep on my friends' couches on the west coast, take it from there....
i had such a weird and wonderful journey. chicago was amazing. so many beautiful times. on my last night, april and i went to the 96th floor of the hancock building for 1 very expensive drink each. all of chicago was laid out for us up there, the lights stretching in lsparkling lines, to the horizon. and that black ink lake, that almost-ocean of lake. what a thing.
sleepovers at katie's were so good! staying up telling stories and singing songs every night til nearly morning, and sleeping well into the afternoon. its so different sleeping that late when there are plenty of other cozy sleepers turning it from something depressing to the nicest sleep ever.
i feel really blessed for the time i spent in chicago. it started off really strange, with my brain suddenly feeling stoned and paranoid, for the first time since i stopped smoking weed after the san francisco incident (ie: when i went crazy) and it did not feel good. it was scary. i felt so paralyzed, physically and mentally. it was in a room full of good friends and friends of theirs, so it was a warm and secure place. it was probably from the stress- my car broke down twice before chicago, and i had less than a hundred dollars when i got there. i wasn't eating very well. anyway, whatever it was was scary and embarassing and made me feel weird about my relationship with my mind. like, what is hiding in there? and how can i get it out? i want to see a shaman. i want to face my dark places and shine light there.
but it went away. and i thoroughly enjoyed myself for the rest of my stay. i rode a bike in a city for the first time!!! i went and played music on the street for the first time! i got to see a bunch of wonderful people who i love! i got to go to april's birthday party and enjoy delectable food stuff and a bonfire and wine on the roof! i totally rode the L train! i made fresh tortillas for the first time! i got to see killer whales and bird names AND mucca pazza! oh man, what a show! i met lots of new friends and lots of interesting characters. i had a ball. it seems so far away already.
i still have so much to learn. and there are still so many places i haven't seen. but, i had to come here. i was out of money, my car was becoming unreliable, and its getting cold and i didn't have a very thorough plan. plus, i love holdays with family.
i guess i'll always be trying to figure out what i'm doing, huh? that seems to be constant, while i keep on doing things.
anyway. the only plans i have are thanksgiving + christmas with family. making some pretty things. and somehow, going to baltimore for new years. sounds good. til then, i suppose i'll be figuring out what comes after that.
